


Not Her Steve

by Sinistretoile



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, F/M, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by..., Mild Sexual Content, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Time Travel, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 05:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19716805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinistretoile/pseuds/Sinistretoile
Summary: Steve's love must deal with the consequences of time travel in Endgame.





	Not Her Steve

**Author's Note:**

> My submission into @youngmoneymilla's 5k writing challenge; my prompt was 'It's a wonder its a hunger/It's different but all the same' (Interspace by Starcadian https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csYjk5m4_PY). I used the lyric as well as the whole song for inspiration.

In the five years since the Decimation, Steve Rogers found himself a different man. It felt odd. He would look back on his life and it felt like he was living someone else’s memories. That scrawny sick kid who just wanted to do the right thing was a distant memory. The war hero he became felt like a mask he’d worn. Upon waking from the ice and finding everything changed so much, he’d struggled to find his place in the world before finally accepting that the man he woke up to be was different than the man he went into the ice as.  
At each turn, he felt himself changing. Becoming someone new and different each day. He still yearned to the do the right thing. But what was it anymore? It had been so easy when he was younger. He wouldn’t have said it was a purer time in the 1940s but it was less complicated than the world he lived in now. Nearly everything that had ever grounded him was gone.  
He sat at the bar, nursing a tepid beer. He picked at the label, these introspective thoughts keeping his attention off where he was. He felt her presence in the same moment he heard her heartbeat and smelled her perfume. She sat down on the stool next time him.  
“Captain Rogers.”  
“Ma’am.” He sat up, turning the beer bottle with his fingertips.  
“Mind if I sit here?” He shrugged then a glance around the bar made him frown. They were the only two in the bar. Even the bartender was gone. She felt him tense. “Now there’s no need for violence, Captain.” She leaned back in the pleather semi-circle that served as a back to the barstool. “If I wanted you dead, you would be.”  
“How’d did you-“  
“Remove you from the bar without your knowing?” He nodded. “You’re distracted. And we’re not actually gone…just not there.”  
“What are you?”  
“Something else, sugar.” She plucked the beer from his hands and took a mouthful then promptly spit it on the floor. “Not only is that piss. That’s warm piss. What the fuck?” His lips twitched with mirth. She grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s go someplace with better beverages.” The moment her hand touched his, the patrons of the bar flickered back into place. Steve blinked.  
“Clever.”  
She laced her fingers with his and he let her. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Captain.”

She watched from the doorway as Scott Lang rambled on and on about time travel and the quantum realm. Steve and Natasha attempted to follow along. She didn’t even bother. She knew of the existence of other realms and parallel universes. You don’t commune with the collective unconscious and not know things.  
Her gaze flicked to Steve. He had a fleeting thought of Agent Margaret ‘Peggy’ Carter. She frowned. Her feet scuffled as she dropped her arms to her side and turned to leave the room. She felt Steve’s eyes on her, between her shoulders like an itch as she walked down the hall, still visible from where he stood leaned against the table.  
That night Steve’s kisses felt distant but his thrusts were harder, deeper. Like he was fucking the pain away. His past heartbreak, that thing he couldn’t have, that thing he’d given up, was ripped open and bleeding. He made her scream and shake and cum again and again until she begged him to stop, to finish but he held on. He punished them both. He collapsed next to her after her finally came.  
She stared at the ceiling, breathing heavily. She swallowed down the emotions that threatened to come screaming from her mouth. He clenched his jaw, willing himself to relax. When he finally touched her, it was a soft and gentle brush of fingers over her hip. He rolled onto his side and pulled her body against his, tucking his chin on her shoulder.  
He heard the change in her heart rate. She swallowed. “What is it, sweetheart?”  
“You can go back but you’re not the Steve she knows.” He stiffened.  
“Are you in my head?”  
She laughed and it was a hard, bitter thing. She pulled away and he let her. She sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the mattress tightly. “No, Steve. I’m not in your head. Even if your thoughts weren’t projecting like a motherfucker, I saw the look on your face when Scott mentioned time travel.”  
“Sweetheart-“  
“Steven Grant Rogers, do not cheapen whatever love we have for each other by acting like I’m a stupid child.” She stood and crossed her arms over her chest. “You had 2 years with her. Eighty. Years. Ago.” He rolled onto his back and tucked his arms under his head. He sighed and stared at the ceiling. “You and I have been together twice as long. We’ve discussed marriage. We’ve discussed children. I know everything there is to know about you. Good and bad. And I accept it all. Without question and judgement. Could you say the same for her?”  
“Yes.”  
“You’re not the same person you were in 1945, Steve. You know that. You can’t go back to the 20-something kid with his FIRST love.”  
“You’re right. She was my first. In more ways than one.”  
She narrowed her eyes. “You’ll regret it.” She pulled on her robe. “And I won’t be here waiting for you to realize you made a mistake.” She threw open the door and stalked out into the hall.  
“Where are you going?”  
“To sleep with Nat. At least she’s honest with herself.”

Steve pressed his forehead to hers, cupping her jaw. “Are you ok?” She swallowed and nodded. “You should go back.”  
“No, no, I want to help.”  
“Steve’s right. You don’t look well, babycakes.”  
“Thanks, Tony.” They were right though. She was lying through her teeth. Her head was screaming from the time travel. But it had been exhilarating shooting through that tunnel. The swirling lights and color all around her, the man she loved more than anything in this world zooming along right beside her.  
Then things went horribly wrong. She screamed as pain sliced through her head. It seemed to echo and rebound back on her. She barely made it out of the quantum realm before she removed her faceplate, dropping to her knees. She vomited; her stomach clenching hard and violently. Tony, Scott and Bruce stood behind her, making sure none of the Chituari snuck up on them. Steve crouched behind her.  
“Doll, you ok?” Black spots and white lights popped in her vision. Her stomach clenched hard again. She lurched forward, vomiting a second time. Bright red blood streaked the stomach contents. “Talk to me, baby doll.”  
“This was a mistake.” She collapsed into the concrete dust and New York City street muck. She closed her eyes as the rest of her party members rehashed their plan.  
“Are you alright, baby?”  
“I’ll be fine. Just expect the return trip to be as messy.”  
“I think you should go back.”  
“No, I came to help and I’m helping.” Her heart and soul screamed. Something was changing.  
Steve held her close as they began their part of the plan. “Stay close to me.”  
“Steve, I need to tell you something.”  
“What is it, sweetheart?” She leaned against the wall.  
“I love you.”  
He smiled. “I love you.” His thumb rubbed her cheek bone. “You had me worried there.” She smiled weakly then grabbed his wrist.  
“You know that right?”  
“What?”  
“That I love you. You know, right?”  
“Yes, baby doll.” He kissed her forehead. “You sure you’re alright? I think you need to go back.”  
“No, Steve. I’m not leaving. I’m f-fine.”  
“Hey, hey, it’s ok.” He shushed her. “We’ll be back in no time and you can rest.” She let him hold her against his chest until Tony gave him his cue to get on the elevator. Things moved rapidly after that in the wrong direction. Colossally tits up.

They did it. They time traveled. They got all the infinity stones. They reversed the Decimation. They saved the day. They beat Thanos and his army. They lost Tony. They lost Natasha.  
She watched Steve and Bucky. She knew a goodbye when she saw one. She’d been avoiding Steve since he volunteered to take the stones and Mjolnir back to their timelines. She had a feeling but now she knew. Her chest squeezed, watching Sam approach the old man that used to be the man she loved.  
When Sam and Bucky had gone, she sat down next to him. “Hey, sweetheart.”  
“Hello, Steve.”  
He turned on the bench to look at her. “God, how I’ve missed you.” He reached to cup her cheek but she turned away. His curled finger brushed it instead. “Still just as beautiful as I remember.”  
“Don’t.”  
He sighed. “Don’t be angry.”  
“How can I not be?” Her face screwed up. Hot tears stung her eyes. “You left me. You gave me up. And I’m just supposed to accept that?”  
“Oh sweetheart-“  
“No.” She stood up, shaking her head. Her fists clenched as she took a step back. “You chose to give up our future. But I refuse to live in our past.” She looked at the face that she had loved so fiercely. It wasn’t age that took away that love. She would have loved him until she was old and gray herself. No…clinging to a selfish dream of what could have been took that love away. “Goodbye, Steve.”  
Bucky watched her walk away before he went to sit by his best friend. “Hey pal.”  
Steve swallowed and patted Bucky’s knee. “Hey, Buck.” Steve looked out over the water. “A day didn’t go by that I didn’t miss her and think about her. And you.” He sighed and it sounded so tired. “She was right, you know. I wasn’t the same. Neither of us wanted to let go of our second chance though. But deep down, I think Peggy knew. I wasn’t her Steve. I was someone else’s.”


End file.
